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While both partners are responsible for ensuring the scene proceeds faithfully and properly, the Dominant needs to be the one to remember to check in regularly during the scene, using the agreed upon safewords and other methods of communication that were set up before the rope was even taken out of its bag.

Seriously, before you even try to set a scene, you need to know how to end it. Communication is key, even if a ball gag is in use.

Because once the scene begins and emotions are flying around, endorphins pumping through the blood, and both of you are lost in your respective roles, things can sour pretty quickly if both parties forget what they are doing.

As a Dominant, you must be fully aware of your actions and your partner's reactions. You may have heard the phrase " safe, sane, and consensual " when hearing about kink.

RACK stands for risk-aware consensual kink , and is often used to describe situations in which some risk is known. Perhaps your play partner is autistic, or under treatment for depression.

Perhaps they get panic attacks every now and then, and while they are eager to play, want to talk about what you can do if they start getting a panic attack in the middle of playtime.

Or - more visibly - perhaps you have back pain you need to adjust for, or an old ankle injury. Other aspects of risk are included as well; with things like flogging, or hot wax, or rope, where pain and pleasure are blending together, it's very possible to forget that you are in fact causing harm for the sake of ecstasy.

There's a line there can be crossed very very easily. Sexual risk is another factor included in the RACK system - from effects of prescribed antidepressants to risks like STIs or pregnancy.

It's not like you cannot participate in kink, but any risk does need to be discussed and mitigated. How you discuss this, and what you decide to do, is up to you and your partner.

Sometimes it's just a few words, sometimes it's a longer conversation and sometimes a continuing dialogue is needed.

This ties in to the second point. Skills and limitation awareness seem like a no-brainer, but in my partner Lily's early days as a Dominant, she handled her tools awkwardly because she was afraid of them she had baggage surrounding bondage and gender roles.

But once she unpacked her feelings about WHY she was handling her tools awkwardly, she became a much more capable Dominant. It also helped that she habitually makes certain to handle her tools herself first - feeling how the rope holds knots when tied to her arm or wrists first, for example - before applying untested rope to her partner during play.

But we've seen prospective Dominants who think that all you need to be dominant is to shout at or threaten your partner, and have gear like chains or rope or a gag.

We all have read about a certain trashy novel that suggested that chains and cable ties are a good thing. No, they're not.

And an experienced Dom will know this. They will be familiar and comfortable with their toys and tools. They will observe their subs and act according to what makes them feel comfortable.

Dominants may shout at their partners, certainly, but only within boundaries the partners set together. This goes for faults just as it applies to Dominants knowing what their skills and limitations are.

Dominance contains all that too. Know thyself, the saying goes, and a Dominant should at least be on the journey to know themselves and what they want in order to best provide, give, and nurture their submissives.

If you're interested in becoming a Dominant, you do not need to have all the answers, but you do need to be willing to explore where your baggage came from, and what you can do about it.

You need to take responsibility for your own actions. Will you make mistakes? Yes, you're a human; people are going to make some mistakes along the way, sooner or later.

That's part of gaining experience and leveling up. Now, this also means that if there are risk factors or hard limits you have, that you discuss them with your prospective partners as well.

Just because you are a Dominant in a relationship does not mean your partner does not have agency or power. What would happen if you are sick?

In hospital? Do you want your partner to be able to look you in the eye and tell you something is wrong or that something you did or said bothers them?

Does the submissive partner - if the submission is outside the bedroom as well - have the agency to make the choice to call after you, to send you a card, to pay any shared bills?

If you are sick and cannot meet a play date, is there any protocol or ritual to deal with that? Is there a protocol that will help you and your partner feel secure?

Does the submissive have the agency to leave you for another Dominant if your time with them is not to the benefit of both parties? The third key thing to keep in mind as a Dominant is to be aware that people are all different.

Even if there are two Dominants using similar tools say, both use flogging who come from similar backgrounds, they are still two distinct people. There are many types of dominance and submission play, and Dominants also have different flavors, even if the tools they use are the same.

What bothers one may not bother another. What may be one person's hard limit may be a non-issue to someone else, and so on.

What that means is that you need to start at ground zero with communication and introspection for each and every partner you play with.

One example of variation is what the Dominant is called and what language they might use. Some Dominants prefer the use of particular terminology to address them, and the terminology itself may have particular meaning.

For example, a Dominant partner may insist on being called "Sir" - and with the first letter capitalized to symbolically represent the power dynamic when in scene or discussing a scene.

Another Dominant may be simply "Jane," while another Dominant will not use their given name at all during a scene but instead a title.

Feel "Sir" is too masculine for you and want to go by "Ser" instead? Really like how being called "Your Majesty" makes you feel?

Go right ahead. Don't want to use an honorific at all? Be your awesome self. This goes for tools too. Just because a Dominant might use one particular tool does not mean every dominant who uses that tool takes the same approach.

For example, both of us Lily and Alexis use rope. But when Lily dominates, she prefers to use more aesthetically pleasing ties and acts stern, but loving and gentle.

When I dominate, well, let's just say that there's something more primal there. The key thing is, we're both on the same page, we've communicated about what works for each of us, and we've learned how to treat each other in scenes.

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Within the world of BDSM, consent is a core focus and requirement because it is what separates sexual sadism from coercive sexual sadism disorder in the DSM Sexual Sadism Disorder and Sexual Masochism Disorder have been changed in order to show the differentiation of consensual vs.

The inner conflict and surrender connected with dominance and submission are enduring themes in human culture and civilization.

In human sexuality, this has broadened to include mutual exploration of roles, emotions, and activities that would be difficult or impossible to act out without a willing partner taking an opposing role.

A study suggests that only about 30 percent of participants in BDSM activities are females. Recent research shows that a minority of the population engages or fantasizes about BDSM activity.

A safeword is usually given to the submissive partner to prevent the dominant from overstepping physical and emotional boundaries.

It is usually a code word, series of code words or other signal used to communicate physical or emotional state, typically when approaching, or crossing, a boundary.

Safewords can have differing levels of urgency - some may bring a scene to an outright stop, whereas others may indicate that a boundary is being approached.

A safeword may be used by the Dominant as well as the Submissive if they feel things have gone too far and are uncomfortable continuing. It is usually a negotiated lifestyle, with people discussing their wishes, limits , and needs in order to find commonality.

Most adherents search for the essential intensity, trust, and intimacy that are required to make any deep relationship possible.

BDSM is the sexual practices of bondage and torture, dominant and submissive, as well as sadomasochism. In addition to "dominant" and "submissive", a "switch" is a person who can take either role.

Most of the time in sexual relationships like this there is some sort of power exchange through their physical interaction. In contrast, the terms top and bottom refer to the active agent and passive patient roles, respectively.

In a given scene, there is no requirement that the dominant also be the top, or that the submissive be the bottom, although this is often the case.

The term vanilla refers to normative "non- kinky " sex and relationships, the vanilla world being mainstream society outside of the BDSM subculture.

The term comes from vanilla ice cream being considered the "default" flavor. Power exchange is consensual and in reality, it is the submissive that has the underlying control during the relationship exchange.

The terms top and bottom are used as verbs or nouns to describe the physical play of SM but with less of a focus of the "sadist" and "masochist" part of the activity.

They can be used as synonyms for dominant and submissive. It can also be used to describe a club where these activities take place. It can also be a place to practice kinks safely and learn how to carry out activities and play.

The term dungeon monitors is used as a description of well-trusted BDSM members that volunteer to monitor dungeons and look out for infractions, distress, or any other form of misconduct or non-consent.

The term flogger is used to describe a tool or whip used in sexual scenes. The action of flogging refers to impact play. Usually made of leather with a hard handle and multiple long flat strands attached.

The term can also be used to describe the person holding the specialized whip. It was popularized in internet chatrooms, to make it easier to identify the orientation of the writer or the person being written about.

Also, some submissives eschew personal pronouns, instead referring to themselves as "this slave" or "Master Bob's girl".

This is sometimes considered an expression of modesty, but it is an entirely optional method of depersonalizing a submissive during "play".

It may have roots in the military , where new recruits are required to refer to themselves as "this recruit", rather than "I" or "me".

Relationships may be monogamous or polyamorous. Fantasy role play can be an element, with partners taking classic dominant or submissive roles, or classic authority-figure roles such as teacher and student, police officer and suspect, or parent and child.

These variations may include:. Some examples are:. Consent is a vital element in all psychological play, and consent can be granted in many ways.

Some employ a written form known as a "Dungeon negotiation form", for others a simple verbal commitment is sufficient. There are many versions of consent but mainly it is the knowledge between the partnership of who plays the dominant role and who plays the submissive.

As well as the fact that all erotic experiences are performed in a safe, legal, and consensual practice as well as benefiting both parties. Surface consent has been defined as a simple yes or no.

Negotiation in terms of the sexual scenes is required to ensure that the BDSM play is enjoyable and safe for both parties involved.

The discussion of what activities are available and the mutual definition of the play is the only way both the dominant and submissive will be able to comfortably perform.

We think "Dominant" and immediately fantasize about power and control and exercising those desires, without acknowledging the reality: we are not the only person here, we are not an actual master or kidnapper or whatever, but somehow that can get lost and we assume that "Dominant" means just that, and the other person is just a replaceable prop that we are playing with.

And then, to make matters worse, we have the potential to get angry when said person voices an objection - in this case a perfectly reasonable, nay, important gesture - and we react as such.

It doesn't need to be this way. Not at all, not ever, and especially not with someone who trusts you enough to be "in charge" of a scene or fantasy.

Because it must be emphasized repeatedly: as a Dominant you are not in charge. At best, you are a co author in this story. As such, you need to be aware of your partner just as much as yourself.

Do not be a dick. By all means use one, but do not abase yourself by acting like a slender watercraft trying to go through a vast sea of genital emission.

In other words, "don't be a douche canoe. We say this because it's easy to power trip as a Dominant during a scene, and there are altered states that may happen to you known variously as dom-space, top-space, other various terms.

Now the power dynamic is important here. As a dominant, you are deriving your sensual experience and potency from being in that role.

But being a Dominant isn't just calling yourself Master or Mistress and flogging someone. In fact, being a dominant might not include any traditional elements of dominant play at all; it can reside in a look, a facial expression, a heavy breath or a selection of choice words that evoke a sense of power, strength and authority.

But by and large, communication is the priority. A good dominant knows when to listen, when to take action, and when to step back.

This is just as important to you as it is to whoever you are with in the scene, if not more so. The Dominant is the one who has to be in control not only of the scene, but of themself Your play partner is the one who is trusting you to be a safe person and to create a safe space for them to express their own pleasures, their own pain, their own desires and shadows.

They are trusting your sense of control over yourself. There's the obvious side of safety in kink and in sex in general: the submissive partner - whether known as a bottom or other term - is trusting you with their physical safety.

And believe me, there's a whole associated cluster of both power-triggered arousal, euphoria and fear that comes packaged in with it.

Even as a Dominant you can, and likely will, experience fear, anxiety, concern, and awkwardness. This is normal. Trust me.

It will happen to you eventually. Has contraception and safer sex been discussed? What tools will you be employing for this specific scene and how can the scene be as physically safe as possible within those boundaries and within that context?

While both partners are responsible for ensuring the scene proceeds faithfully and properly, the Dominant needs to be the one to remember to check in regularly during the scene, using the agreed upon safewords and other methods of communication that were set up before the rope was even taken out of its bag.

Seriously, before you even try to set a scene, you need to know how to end it. Communication is key, even if a ball gag is in use. Because once the scene begins and emotions are flying around, endorphins pumping through the blood, and both of you are lost in your respective roles, things can sour pretty quickly if both parties forget what they are doing.

As a Dominant, you must be fully aware of your actions and your partner's reactions. You may have heard the phrase " safe, sane, and consensual " when hearing about kink.

RACK stands for risk-aware consensual kink , and is often used to describe situations in which some risk is known. Perhaps your play partner is autistic, or under treatment for depression.

Perhaps they get panic attacks every now and then, and while they are eager to play, want to talk about what you can do if they start getting a panic attack in the middle of playtime.

Or - more visibly - perhaps you have back pain you need to adjust for, or an old ankle injury. Other aspects of risk are included as well; with things like flogging, or hot wax, or rope, where pain and pleasure are blending together, it's very possible to forget that you are in fact causing harm for the sake of ecstasy.

There's a line there can be crossed very very easily. Sexual risk is another factor included in the RACK system - from effects of prescribed antidepressants to risks like STIs or pregnancy.

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